Far Away
by LeKat
Summary: Songfic. Edward's thoughts toward the end of New Moon. Companion to Kryptonite.


**_Yes, I know that this idea is very overdone, but I couldn't help it—it was calling to me. I compressed the scene that I used from New Moon, so there is a bit of a gap, but I couldn't get it to fit any other way. All words taken directly from the book are in bold._**

**_I do not own the characters, setting, or song._**

_This time, This place_

I was back in her bedroom, watching her sleep. It was a place I never thought I would be in again, yet somehow, it felt as if I'd never left.

_Misused, Mistakes_

I had done so much damage here. Maybe too much. I will never forget how broken Bella looks in the memories of Alice and Charlie.

_Too long, Too late_

_Who was I to make you wait_

I should have come back sooner. In the end, my efforts had been worthless. I had not helped her. I may not have killed her body, but her spirit was as destroyed as mine.

_Just one chance_

_Just one breath_

_Just in case there's just one left_

But I wasn't destroyed anymore. Just being here next to her made me whole again. But I knew I couldn't get used to the sensation. The chance that she would reject me was all too real.

_Cause you know,_

_You know, you know_

_That I love you_

_I have loved you all along_

I knew that she believed me when I said I didn't love her. Her faith in me was broken. But she couldn't have forgotten the time before that day. I knew that I never would.

_And I miss you_

_Been far away for far too long_

What if I could convince Bella that I had been lost without her? Wouldn't that be enough to prove my love? Then again, she didn't have the benefit of other people's memories. She wouldn't be able to see my pain like I had witnessed hers. I shuddered in disgust at my own selfishness. She didn't need to see that, even if it could help her understand.

_I keep dreaming, you'll be with me_

_And you'll never go_

I wanted her so acceptance so badly that it was painful. It was almost worse than my time away because this time, I knew what was waiting for me if she wouldn't have me back.

_Keep breathing if_

_I don't see you anymore_

I thought back to that time, that blackness. I wouldn't survive it a second time. But if she planned on pushing me away, why did she come to save me in the first place?

_On my knees, I'll ask_

_Last chance for one last dance_

I would happily beg her to take me back. I didn't care; pride did not matter to me anymore. The last time I gave into my pride, it left Bella nearly dead.

'_Cause with you, I'd withstand_

_All of hell to hold your hand_

I would do anything to keep her. After these months, hell was no competition.

_I'd give it all_

_I'd give for us_

She was beginning to wake; I could see awareness fluttering across her lovely face. Soon it would be time to know the truth. Suddenly I wished she would stay sleeping.

_Give anything_

_But I won't give up_

Whatever her decision, I needed her to know my motives. No matter what, I wouldn't leave until she at least knew that.

_Cause you know_

_You know, you know_

_That I love you_

Her beautiful brown eyes opened. I wanted to reach out and touch her, but didn't know if she'd let me. It was time to find out.

_I have loved you all along_

_And I miss you_

She thought that she was dreaming-or having a nightmare-but I had to keep explaining. _"_**Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."**

_Been far away for _

_Far too long_

She was confused, like she couldn't comprehend anything what I was saying.

"**I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."**

She grew immediately rigid, and despite my panic, I was glad that she really was hearing me.

Hurriedly, I backtracked. **"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly, "**I could not hold back a wince. **"That was…excruciating."**

_I keep dreaming you'll be with me_

_And you'll never go_

She was still rigid and I grew nervous. I hadn't wanted to talk about this part. "**You weren't going to let go," **I whispered the words, ashamed of them. **"I could see that. I didn't want to do it-I felt like it would kill me to do it-but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you." **

It was almost impossible to think that I had once held that hope. I never wanted her to leave me behind.

_Stop breathing_

_If I don't see you anymore_

The idea that she had moved on engulfed me and my apology poured out. "**I lied and I'm so sorry-sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."**

_I wanted_

_I wanted you to stay_

She continued to be silent and my nervousness turned into fear. Was she waiting until I stopped so that she could send me away? I needed to finish before she got the chance. "**But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?**" Bella didn't answer, I was becoming desperate. **"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly **_**believed**_** that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept-as if there were any way that **_**I**_** could exist without needing **_**you**_**!"**

'_Cause I needed_

_I need to hear you say_

I shook her shoulder, trying to get something- _anything-_ out of her. **"Bella," **I sighed, I felt like I was losing. **"Really, what were you thinking!"**

Finally, she responded: she began to cry, "**I knew it,"** she sobbed. **"I **_**knew**_** I was dreaming."**

_That I love you_

_I have loved you all along_

"**You're impossible," **I laughed once, a short frustrated sound. **"How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I **_**have**_** always loved you, and I **_**will**_** always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."**

_And I forgive you_

_For being away for far too long_

She shook her head and my next words held the tone of defeat. **"You don't believe me do you? Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"**

"**It never made sense for you to love me," **she told me, the perfect sound of her voice sending tingles up my spine. **"I always knew that."**

_So keep breathing_

'_Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

Was that the problem? I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of her statement, but the relief I felt was far from funny. How could someone so perfect not see herself? I felt my jaw tighten as I leaned closer to her. **"I'll prove you're awake."**

_So keep breathing_

'_Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

I grabbed her soft, warm face between my hands, holding her tightly, but gently.

"**Please don't,"** she whispered.

I stopped, frustrated. She wasn't making any sense. **"Why not?"**

_Believe it_

_Hold on to me and, never let me go_

"**When I wake up"—**I went to cut her off and object, but she stopped me.—**"okay, forget that one-when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this too."**

I pulled back slightly so I could look at her face. My next question would decide our fate.

_Keep breathing_

'_Cause I'm not leaving you anymore_

"**Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so….hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you **_**have**_** moved on, as I meant for you to?"** The possibility was terrifying, but I faced it head on. **"That would be…quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please—just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?"**

_Believe it_

_Hold on to me and, never let me go_

"**What kind of an idiotic question is that?"**

"**Just answer it. Please."**

The long moment before her response felt like an eternity.** "The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you—and there's nothing you can do about it!"**

My dead heart soared as I leaned closer. **"That's all I needed to hear."**

_Keep breathing_

_Hold on to me and, never let me go_

At long, long last, I pressed my lips to hers and the world stood still. Bella was mine.

Finally, I could breathe again.

_Keep breathing_

_Hold on to me and, never let me go_

**_I do not own the characters, settings, or the song Far Away by Nickelback_**

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End file.
